"So, I knew I was going to see you today. I told myself I wasn’t going to speak to you, I wasn’t even going to look at you, I’d just pretend you didn’t exist. How difficult could it be, since you’ve been doing to me for God knows how long?
The stupid thing is that I actually managed it. You were walking past and I totally blanked you, carried on doing what I was doing, explaining something to my friend, trying to pretend not to notice or care. But as you passed by, my friend looked at you curiously, and then asked me if I ‘saw that’. I said no, what? And she said, “He was staring at you. He smiled at you for ages.. but you didn’t look up.”
Why do I do these things to myself? Did I even do the right thing by blanking you? I don’t understand you. Mixed signals all the time, what am I supposed to think, what am I supposed to feel? Do you even realise? Is it intentional? Or is it possible that you’re completely oblivious?
So what do I do now? I love you. No, I don’t. Yes I do. No I don’t. I do. I don’t. I do. But I don’t want to. I wish I didn’t. I wish it could all go away. But it won’t. You won’t. You’re in my head, all the time. You’re the one person who can make me the happiest girl in the world and the saddest girl in the world. You have no idea how much you mean to me. And how much you hurt me, every single day. Which is why I thought I’d try to ignore you, forget about you. Then… this happens. What does it mean?”
i think it might be time to get to bed? this seriously hurts, and i don’t even know how/why i did it. i can’t even open the eye anymore, it’s really sore, wtf did i do? aaargh